Posted in Femininity

Externally 19, Internally 91

Iโ€™m just too young to be so old.

I initially wanted to title this blog post “I Feel Old” but figured it was way too fluffy and generic sounding. I remembered this conversation I had with one of my “friends” (I put friends in quotation marks because were only virtual friends at the moment) (also fuck you covid 19, this is YOUR FAULT)

on Discord, where we discussed how we both felt old although we’re only 19, and me being the jokester I am, responded with “we’re both externally 19, and internally 91”. And the title of this post quickly emerged!

Truthfully, I feel old as fuck. Iโ€™m not talking about being young and listening to rock bands from the 1970’s old, and wearing their t-shirts because I’m a hipster and I just uhh wear stuff? I feel worn out, worn down, beat up, and as if I’ve lived a long life full of pain and misery. And it’s really not a good feeling. I’m a young person who has already given up without experiencing much. 

It took me quite some time to realize that, me feeling old is a direct effect of experiencing “adultification” bias stemming from being fat as a child and being sexually harassed. It feels like life has worn me out, when in all actuality I havenโ€™t even lived yet. Iโ€™ve experienced the entirety of this shitty world yet I havenโ€™t lived long enough to even understand how this shitty world came about.

It’s affected many aspects of my young adult life and it continues to affect me today. Ranging from my struggle with femininity, and my overall enjoyment of life. 

Iโ€™ve always felt both physically and mentally old and itโ€˜s impacted my clothing choices over the years. Iโ€™ve never had a concrete โ€œstyleโ€, Iโ€™d kinda wear whatever- very plain, ditzy, dull, and semi- colorful. The blubber on my body has led people to develop this misconception that Iโ€™m built of steel and can withstand pain. And itโ€™s fucked with my head and my level of preferred femininity. 

P.s. parents please donโ€™t tell your fat child that they look older than their actual age or look older than their peers of the same age. In all actuality, youโ€™re explicitly letting them know that they shouldnโ€™t be handled and treated with the utmost care and delicacy and donโ€™t require special protection, or any protection at all. 

Iโ€™ve been tapping into my femininity for over a year now and I definitely feel more in tune with my true self. I know this is how I want to dress, and I want to be perceived as feminine by the world. Hello world, Iโ€™m a woman and Iโ€™d like to be handled and treated as such, with the utmost delicacy, protection, and care! 

Iโ€™ve always been fat and my body has also matured fairly quickly, I had double Dโ€™s crazy glued onto my chest by the time I was 12 for Christโ€™s sake! Okay maybe not krazy glued, perhaps I should say bolted?

With puberty in full affect, came the inevitable sexual harassment. Tragically it’s become normalized for me, I canโ€™t seem to not anticipate it. To me itโ€™s just a consequence of being born with XX chromosomes. 

I have to deal with a monthly period, so I choose to only wear black pants during that time, thereโ€™s a possibility I can get pregnant so I pay for birth control to prevent that from happening, and then I get sexually harassed so I have to alter my entire wardrobe. Which succeeds at one thing, and thatโ€™s failing to lessen the harassment. 

I have to โ€œdress downโ€ and canโ€™t be as feminine as I want to be, which simply isnโ€™t fair. Iโ€™m perceived as being older when I just want to be perceived as my true youthful age. I shouldnโ€™t have to alter my wardrobe and limit my clothing choices just because thereโ€™s a chance Iโ€™ll be sexually harassed or cat called.

In many ways, I very much so still feel like a clueless child that needs protecting. Sexual harassment has literally destroyed my life and Iโ€™m not being facetious. Itโ€™s made me feel incredibly old both mentally and physically, and has robbed me of my childhood.

I have no favorite desserts, no favorite amusement park, and no distinct enjoyable childhood memory.

Undeniably Iโ€™ve tried to recreate the stereotypical โ€œteenager experienceโ€ I missed out on. Long lasting meaningful friendships were never built, romantic relationships were never had, and invitations to house parties didnโ€™t exist.  

On August 25th, Iโ€™ll turn 20 which is the un-official adulting age. Iโ€™ll be creating memories while still being an aimless dinosaur wandering the streets of New York.

Author:

Hello my name is Maigelle (May-Jell) I'm a native New Yorker and Brooklynite. Creative writing/ literary realism is my love.

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