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Big Body, Small Voice

Being fat and introverted truly sucks, it doesn’t do me any favors. It’s expected of me to acquire many of the stereotypical fat people personality traits, and when I fail to check off those tiny individual boxes, the disappointment on people’s faces begin to visibly emerge. But that’s just the price I have to pay for living in an extrovert world and having the flesh on my stomach resemble steel armor. No, I am not from medieval times. And yes, that was a joke. 

My sincere apologies for not fitting into the fat girl stereotype the media has depicted. I’m not loud or boisterous, I’m quiet and a loner, I’m not your typical comedian, I’m more so dry humored, I’m not demanding and I can’t make the entire room giggle, although I’m certain my size will serve as the butt of the joke. Yes my body is big but my voice is oh so very small. 

While drafting this blog post I asked myself if I was turning into a plus size blogger but I’m not, I just have a lot of fat girl stories to tell. In a way, openly talking about my fatness without the shame attached feels fucking powerful. I’ve never had an outlet to do it before, let alone the permission. I’m finally writing about shit I genuinely care about and it feels good, like really good. 

When I say “I’m fat” I’m not saying it to mask my embarrassment and hate for my body, I’m in-explicitly saying “Hey, I’m a living and breathing human being”. I’m not sub-human, you can clearly see my supposed “insecurity” it’s on full display for the entire world to see. You know I’m fat, I know I’m fat, I see it you see it, we all see it. 

Currently I’m completely friendless and before that I was also sort of “low on friends”. Take that with a grain of salt. There’s been a consistent assertion that my fatness hinders me from building friendships, and that my back rolls which resemble peacock wings make people scurry away in fear. 

When I was in the 9th grade, I vividly remember my cousin coming over to my Brooklyn hell hole, wait did I say hell hole? I definitely meant to say household. I was asked if I had any friends in school to which I replied “no”, he then asked, “is it because they’re scared of you?”. My overworked and underpaid brain refuses to let me forget the most ridiculous things said.

14 year old me couldn’t help but take offense to that, I mean what would people be scared of? Scared one of my many back rolls will toss into the air like a frisbee and hit them in the face? Scared that tiny droplets of my fatty tissue will drip onto their white Nike air forces? 

Having introverted traits is perceived as a curse, no wonder why hiring managers love to weed out the undesirable candidates (introverts) by having us take those shitty personality tests. I always wanted to craft this whimsical pseudo personality to turn on and off but I’m truthfully a functioning introvert and I’m proud. I won’t strive to be anything else. 

There’s been a constant insinuation that my weight is the cause of my introversion. Social situations drain me so I choose to avoid them, it isn’t because I can only tolerate low stimulation it’s because I’m fat. I’m naturally a loner and it isn’t because I willingly choose to be in solitary it’s because I’m fat. I ended up transferring to a much smaller high school during my 11th-grade year, and when my aunt found out the first thing she asked me was “You left the school because you’re fat and we’re getting bullied for your weight right?”.

Of course, I didn’t transfer schools because my mental health was declining and I sought to find a much smaller school with significantly smaller classroom sizes. It was just because I was plain old fat.

Maybe if I lose weight I’ll magically escape poverty, maybe i’ll finally get those childhood experiences that were stolen from me, maybe I’ll stop feeling the effects of Adultification bias etc. The insinuation that me being fat is the root of all of my problems is skewed and all bull shit. My Insinuators (not a real word) (the ones doing the insinuating) have disdain for human life. They lack respect for themselves; so they rather dim someone’s else’s light to make their light burn brighter, yet they fail and continue to repeat the narrowing process. 

Un-ironically these people are disrespectful as fuck. Ironically these people minimize my size, strip me of my human qualities, and reduce me to an orange circular blob, and yet that orange blob represents nothing. I’ve let people dismiss me, say absurd shit to me, and assume absurd shit about me when they know absolutely nothing else about me except for the fact that I’m fat. And I don’t hate myself because I’m fat I hate myself for letting them get away with it.

I’d love to just be an introvert in peace, and not have to constantly defend both my introversion and basic natural rights. Yes, fat people are people living with big bodies but we are just people, excluding the adjective fat. 

I‘ll never just sit there and let someone squish my fat and do nothing about it. As of January 2021, I’ve been defending the shit out of myself, standing up for myself, speaking up for myself, standing my ground and not letting anyone talk or walk over me. I have the words “SPEAK UP” taped onto my vision board for this year, it’s a goal I’ve been wanting to accomplish. 

A part of it stems from wanting to be a social worker so I need to learn how to communicate effectively. And the other part stems from being weary of injustice. I don’t think it’s less of an introversion thing, I think it’s more of a getting older thing. I refuse to take shit from anyone but myself, and I’m so proud of myself for that. 

Little old me simply doesn’t exist anymore. She’s deceased and won’t be back from the dead.

Author:

Hello my name is Maigelle (May-Jell) I'm a native New Yorker and Brooklynite. Creative writing/ literary realism is my love.

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