Posted in Satire

Lions, Tigers, and Bears keep waltzing into this McDonald’s location in Washington. The manager expects her employees to fight them off while tending to the grill.

This local McDonald’s doesn’t have a pest problem; instead, they have an “exotic pet” problem. Ferocious wildlife animals have been entering this restaurant on 39th street for three
weeks, chanting, “Two legs bad, four legs good.”

Strangely enough, their presence doesn’t scare customers away; it’s what keeps them coming. Homeowners who live near the quick service restaurant described it as a circus freak show and contacted our news station “Lollipops For Supper” in hopes the media coverage can put an end to their furry neighbors.

Reporter Alicia Rollerblades asked customer Nicholas Martinez what his thoughts were regarding the recent “exotic pet” emergence. Here’s what he had to say:


Martinez: “I come to this McDonald’s every morning to order a large coffee with three creams and three sugars and a single hash brown. I’m a regular (shrugs); as soon as I walk in, the cashier just inputs my order without a letter of the alphabet leaving my mouth. I love and appreciate that. The workers are dedicated to their jobs which indicates they have an excellent manager behind them. In only three weeks, there’s been a change of scenery or uproar I should say (laughs). When I came in one morning and saw a cashier putting fries into the deep fryer while hitting a black bear over the head with a spatula, I immediately thought to myself, “what the actual fuck”. But the employees quickly reassured everyone in the restaurant at the time that we had nothing to worry about, and ever since then, I come in to get my coffee and see a bunch of different animals attacking the employees and I think nothing of it. I don’t mind if a cashier gets bit by a tiger and their blood splatters onto my receipt. Why pay for an overpriced ticket to the zoo when you can come to McDonald’s, order a Big Mac and see wildlife for free?”


Full-time crew member Lisa Michaels was hesitant to give a statement detailing the terrifying work conditions she endures. After we reached out to her for the third time, she
reluctantly agreed to speak to us near an unoccupied cash register within the restaurant.


Rollerblades: “How do you feel having to work here?”


Michaels: “I hate it, I hate it so much. It’s terrible, scary, and I feel stuck and like I can’t leave. I
really need this job for the money and if I don’t fight off the animals there’s a huge chance I can
be fired. I don’t want or need that.”


Rollerblades: “Do you think it’s your responsibility to fight off the animals?”


Michaels: “No, not at all. But now my job has morphed into it.”


Rollerblades: “Do you think this is unfair?


Michaels: “Yes. When I applied for the crew member position there was no mention of having to defend myself against wild animals in the job description. It sucks that I’m expected to do the maximum just to earn the bare minimum. I’m constantly putting myself in harm’s way for a measly paycheck that barely pays for a month of groceries.”


Rollerblades: “What has your manager done in response to the situation? Any new safety measures? Stronger doors? Wage increases?”


Michaels: “She’s turned a complete blind eye and doesn’t care. She locks herself in the office while we get clawed ali….. (pauses), can you give me a second to stab this bear with a fork that’s charging towards me?”


Rollerblades: “Go for it”


Michaels: “As I was saying, our manager is lazy and doesn’t care about our safety. We get clawed alive while she sits in comfort watching us from the monitor on her laptop. I have to deal with shitty customers, an incompetent manager, and animals that want to skin me alive.”


Rollerblades: “Have you voiced any safety concerns to your manager?”


Michaels: “No, I haven’t, and I also don’t intend to. She’s made it painfully clear that if we become injured and leave to go to the hospital to have our wounds taken care of, our hours are automatically cut.”


Rollerblades: “I understand the animals make your job ten times harder, but if they weren’t here would your job be much more enjoyable?”


Michaels: “Absolutely not. I was earning the same shitty wage and dealing with the same incompetent and cruel manager before the “live-action circus” arrived. Their unexpected arrival
only made me fully realize how terribly I was being treated and paid.”


Rollerblades: “What are your plans for the future?”


Michaels: “To be frank, I’m not sure. My future is blurry, the image is still processing and hasn’t fully developed. I don’t see myself working here much longer. I interviewed for a job two days ago that pays $16 per hour, and I hope I get it, it sure beats being paid $8 an hour and removes the possibility of my eyeballs getting clawed out.”


Rollerblades: “Thank you for taking the time to speak with me. I hope the best for you and your financial situation.”


Our broadcast team here at “Lollipops For Supper” couldn’t rationalize leaving without asking the manager, Felicia Davidson a few questions and receiving her take on the events that unfolded in the restaurant. However, Davidson declined to speak with us.

Author:

Hello my name is Maigelle (May-Jell) I'm a native New Yorker and Brooklynite. Creative writing/ literary realism is my love.

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